For Thursday, December 4, 1997 Drummer Column, Gibbs, 702 pages 

Ho, ho, ho, boom

Baby Boomers are hitting 50. Hillary Clinton recently turned 50. My big sister is turning 50. Jane West turned 50. My brothers-in-law and one sister-in-law lately turned 50. A few Benicians I know are hitting 50. My wife is 49.95. It seems like everybody's going over to the other side.

What's the big attraction?

Whatever it is, I suggest that we all take stock in the retirement industry. When Boomers retire, the world will shake, rattle and roll. The economy will rock. The working class will wail. The Department of Social Security will jam.

A swollen generation of people will be saying, "Give us our checks, and let the party begin." We will become the "Purple Haze." The younger generations will have work at paying into the system and at ways to help Boomers spend their money.

For a generation raised on Rock 'n' Roll, expect hearing aid futures to soar. For old stoners, expect a big increase in nursing care. I see senior daycare as a booming business.

Imagine doing live-in care for some old geezer who went to Woodstock. You'll be wiping his chin, and he'll be yammering on about "Old, Jimi. Ya shoulda seen old Jimi. Yessiree, that boy could play guitar. Gosh darn it, he'd pick that dang thing with his teeth."

Then the old boy, to imitate Hendrix, will tilt his head back and chew on his air guitar. His false teeth will fall down his throat and you'll have to fish them out.

Perhaps the attraction for Boomer retirees will be the utopian Love Child Retirement Village, where everyone lives in peace and harmony. It will be a haven for '60s people in their 90s. They will have beanbag wheelchairs, butterfly-handled walkers, and black leather straightjackets. In the central square will be a 60-foot lava lamp ringed in yellow daisies. The sidewalks, lined in Day-Glo colors, will reflect from the black light street lamps. The village vans, used mostly for taking patrons back and forth to Rolling Stones concerts, will be German, multicolored, and old.

Actually, a lot of Boomers have led healthy younger lives and should be living on their own, mowing their own lawns, at least into their 100s. Nutritional awareness and vegetarian tendencies blossomed during their reign. All that wheatgrass tea, blue milk and Imo will have paid off. All that jogging out to the park restrooms and back will have paid off. All those bean sprouts will have paid off. They may even have the pay-off paid off. These folks will be retired and healthy.

I predict that a large number of healthy seniors will join an elite and mobile group known as the KaBoomers. The KaBoomers will evolve as a nationwide group of active elders who will take to the open highways. They will explore every square inch of this continent, invading small towns, overtaking KOAs, making farmers' markets bigger than McDonalds.

They will buy electric motor homes and tow Airstream trailers full of spare batteries and campsite solar panels. During the day they will take in all the local tours of whatever town they're in. In the evenings they will share each other's PhotoCD slide shows of their entire lives. They will be in real-time contact with thousands of other KBers via video conferencing and 3-D fax. They will take midnight walks and dawn walks.

The KaBoomers will work for Habitat for Humanity. They will drive into a chosen town by the hundreds from all over the country and spruce up a whole neighborhood, on the house. They will camp nearby and eat and shop to boost the economy.

When Baby Boomers do retire, I hope to see a rise in volunteerism. At last, peaceniks will have the time and the resources to live out their philosophies. A lot of those philosophies have involved great humanity. I hope to see it reified.

During the holidays, we should see hoards of retired Boomers pitching in at the Salvation Army and the local homeless shelters. In great numbers, they will dish food, collect coats, gather toys. We will have mountains of food and coats and toys.

When Boomers retire, I hope to see a lot of Santa Clauses running around. Ho, ho, ho.