For Thursday, January 29, 1998 Drummer Column, Gibbs, 730 words

Democrazy

A group of 15 cordial people of similar interests planned to take an expedition. At the first meeting, people got excited about hiking above the Arctic Circle. One member offered to hire dog sleds and snow shoes for everyone.

However, one of their group, they found out, chilled easily in her extremities. She wouldn't be able to go. The group reconsidered their options and eventually settled on a desert hike in the Mojave. That trip was almost a go until the mention of scorpions. One of their group, they found out, was allergic to scorpion stings. Instead, the group hiked the moderate midland hills.

On the first night in camp after a seven-mile hike, the recipe called for chili. One of their group, they found out, was vegetarian, so they made the stew meatless. Another one seriously disliked onions, so the onions were removed. Another suffered painful gas whenever he ate beans, so the beans came out. People drank their sauce and went to bed.

During the next day's hike, the group came upon a patch of poison oak hanging over the trail. The lead hikers grabbed sticks and were about to push their way through when someone called for an "all stop."

One of their group, they found out, was terrified of poison oak. He refused to go on. The only other level passage free of poison oak was north across the deep river. The group decided they would ford the river. They began to set up throw ropes. However, one of their group, they found out, couldn't swim. The girl with cold extremities began worrying about hypothermia.

The group decided to climb the southern canyon wall. Five hours later they reached the top. By that evening they had safely descended back into the canyon several yards beyond the patch of poison oak.

That evening after all the individual preferences were accounted for, dinner consisted of turkey-scented tofu; mashed potatoes with no butter and no salt; corn on the cob, not too crunchy, not too soft; spaghetti al dente almost; and bottled water.

Each night the group went to bed at 8 p.m., right after sunset. One of their group, they found out, had strict bedtime habits and could not sleep if other people were talking. When he went to sleep, everybody went to sleep.

Each morning, the same member was standing next to the cook stove. He was also the one in their group, they found out, who preferred decaf coffee and woke up the earliest, so the pot of decaf was always the first brewed.

By this time, another member in their group, the one who did not like strong coffee, they found out, was awake and hovering over the cook stove. She made sure the assigned coffee maker didn't use too many scoops.

Immediately after breakfast each morning, they broke camp and packed off. They never lounged on rocks and watched the sunrise. They packed off quickly each morning because one of their members, they found out, was a morning person, and he owned the map.

One of their group, they found out, was into ultra-low-impact camping. As a result, everyone had to poop in Baggies and pack it out. Toilet paper was burned at the campfire.

One of their group, they found out, liked to sing while he hiked, so the silence of the forest played backdrop each day to his medley of show tunes.

One of their group, they found out, was an entomologist. She gathered insect specimens as they hiked along. Several times they had to stop and wait hours while she pursued beetle tracks.

One of their group, they found out, was not in shape. After a few days, his knees started going out after a few miles. As a result, the group only covered half of their intended distance each day.

As a result they ran out of food and had to survive on beef and onions smothered in salt and butter. To reach their take-out on time, the group abandoned the trail, crashed through a field of poison oak to reach the river, built a raft out of limbs that disturbed a family of termites, and rode out on a waterfall. The show-tune singer somehow fell off the raft several times during his first verses, and the ultra-low-impact hiker discovered on the way home that her pack was considerably heavier.