For Thursday, July 17, 1997 Drummer Column, Gibbs, 729 words

Ego he go

Once upon a time there lived a young boy named Divide by Four. His real name was Perbol Lee. He was called Divide by Four privately by his friends because of his tendency to exaggerate. Perbol Lee never knew he held this nickname.

He was likeable enough, friendly, daring, less than taut morally. He brought life to every party, telling jokes, teasing the girls, spreading yarns. When he came through the door, everyone would yell, "Hi, Perbol Lee."

Where conversation grew, however, Perbol Lee was in there planting his 20 cents. If someone told an airplane story about a crash and victims, Perbol Lee would overlap the end of the story with the beginning of his own louder story of a bigger airplane involved in a greater crash with more victims. New members to the group, people who didn't know Perbol Lee, were duly impressed by his boundless array of experiences. He would focus his attentions on them while his older friends wandered away.

By his own admission, Perbol Lee had killed a white shark, removed copper wire from a live transformer, did a belly flop off the Golden Gate Bridge, saw Bigfoot, rafted the Amazon, worked for the CIA, was a close personal friend to Steven Segal, once owned a Vincent Black Shadow, ate blowfish, and so on.

Sometimes Perbol Lee's friends would set him up by starting conversations on various obscure topics. Someone would bring up trees, and Perbol Lee would become a tree surgeon. Someone would mention a faulty marriage, and Perbol Lee would become a love doctor. Someone would mention Mars, and Perbol Lee would become a Martian. There had never been a topic of discussion in all the years Perbol Lee had walked the earth where he had ever said, "I don't know anything about that. Teach me."

Perbol Lee had a best friend. His friend's name was Willy Brequette. Willy was a doer. He never let his ignorance get in the way of attempting a new task. If his stereo broke, Willy would dismantle it himself instead of taking it to the shop. If a part refused to come out, Willy would force it out. Once he had all the pieces spread on the table and realized he had no idea what was broken, he would tell himself that the manufacturers had made the system unnecessarily complicated, secretly go out and buy an identical stereo, then show his friends what a good job he'd done. Never once would he consider consulting a manual. Manuals were for wimps.

Willy once tore down the engine in his Aunt Winifred's Mercury because she had heard a mysterious clanking sound, which happened to be coming from a failing transmission. After a full day of unscrewing things, when he failed to find any obviously broken parts, he began in vain to rebuild the engine. Of course, he had no idea where all the pieces went. His aunt called that evening and said she needed the car by morning to get to the kidney dialysis center. So, Willy called up Perbol Lee for advice. Perbol Lee had once worked as pit crew for Mario Andretti.

Together they labored through the night. By morning the car still wouldn't start, and when they turned on the windshield wipers the horn beeped. Aunt Winifred called to ask how things were going. Her voice sounded faint. Perbol Lee answered the phone and advised her that the engine was beyond repair, a common problem with Fords, something he'd learned while working as an assembly line supervisor back in Detroit. It would be cheaper, he advised, to just buy a new Japanese car. When Aunt Winifred complained that she couldn't afford a new car, and began to cry, he turned the phone over to Willy.

Willy told her not to worry. He knew how to filter blood using common household items. Perbol Lee added that he'd done it dozens of times while working for the Peace Corps in Africa. They'd be right over.

When they arrived at Aunt Winifred's house, she was just pulling away in a taxi. There was a hospital van parked out front, and six big, burly attendants in white uniforms standing nearby. They opened the back doors of the van and instructed Willy and Perbol Lee to get in. They said, "The president of the United States needs your help."